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Bisexuality does exist. Some of us are attracted to people regardless of gender. Bisexual people can be found in all walks of society, and everywhere in the world. A lot of myths and misconceptions surround it though.
Read on for some debunking!
No, we're really not - it's people's attitudes to bisexuality that are confused. Here at the Bisexual Index, we believe that a bisexual is someone who is attracted to more than one gender.
Everyone accepts that it's possible for a person to be attracted to people of more than one height, weight, hair colour, or race. For bisexuals that openness also includes gender.
If you're wondering if you are bisexual, take our bisexuality test!
It's not 'greed' if someone likes chocolate cake and fruit salad. Greed isn't a wide range of desire or attraction; it's excessive attraction. Some people seem to confuse being attracted to more than one gender with being attracted to everyone. We think this is rather silly - it's a bit like saying that lesbians or straight men are attracted to all women, or straight women and gay men are attracted to all men.
They're not. We're not. Bisexuality isn't about 'all' it's about 'either'.
You don't have to be equally attracted to red-heads and brunettes to be attracted to both, and preferring lettuce to liver doesn't make you a vegetarian, so why do some people insist that "true" bisexuals are exactly and equally attracted to men and women? We suspect it's to keep the numbers of bisexuals down, or to excuse themselves from identifying as bi.
Some bisexuals prefer androgynous partners, some don't. Some really love the differences between the sexes, others don't see those differences. Some of us are only attracted to 5% of one gender, and 60% of the other - you don't need to be 50/50 or have those add up to 100. And some bisexuals believe that thinking in terms of two genders is restrictive.
The Kinsey Scale rates people from heterosexual to homosexual and has in the middle "equally heterosexual and homosexual", and sadly a lot of people have heard that bisexuality is the middle of the scale, when in fact the scale doesn't mention 'bi' at all. We prefer to think of bisexuality as being like the English Channel, you get wet as soon as you start swimming from Dover and can't dry off until Calais, no matter how deep it is beneath you! For further explanation of the Kinsey Scale see our Bisexual Scales page.
Some people get hung up on the 'bi' and protest that gender isn't binary. They claim that identifying as bisexual is tantamount to saying trans people don't exist, or that you're not attracted to them, or that you're only into masculine men and feminine women. However many people using the identity "bisexual" disagree.
In traditional dictionaries:
So why then dismiss bisexuality as being about "only men and women" when the definitions of hetero- and homo- don't mention those? And why don't the critics of the word also have a go at people using "heterosexual" or "homosexual" on the grounds of the words being even more restricted?
In this modern age with a wider understanding of gender some people choose to re-state those as:
In fact many people say there's more than two genders, but if two options are either "similar to me" or "different to me" then we think it's clear that "both" can refer to those two options rather than two perceived sexes.
Bisexuality isn't an attempt to pigeonhole gender, it's the freedom to feel attraction without blinkers! But we agree that 'both' is an oddly limiting word for the category of "everyone else" - this is why we say "more than one gender" at the Bisexual Index .
The gay and lesbian scene is full of bisexuals, many of whom know it'd be socially awkward to come out about their true sexuality in a biphobic atmosphere. We're together in our attraction to people of the same (or similar, see above!) genders, and in the discrimination we face for being "them" from the homophobes. For decades we've marched on Gay Pride, worked in gay bars, and we've been queer bashed for not being straight. Our sexuality needs to be recognised as part of the Queer movement, and we should be welcomed as part of the struggle for acceptance and tolerance.
Bisexuals are the targets of biphobia, and homophobia too.
LGBT Prides include many bisexuals
LGB & T are not rigid sided boxes to stuff queers into, they're circles of overlapping light, they're a Venn diagram.
Just as a straight woman being attracted to both tall and short men wouldn't make her unable to be faithful to one, so bisexuals can settle down happily in committed relationships. Bisexuals are no more likely to cheat on their partners than anyone else.
Some of us are in happy relationships with one partner, others have multiple relationships and some swap to dating the other sex whenever their current fling ends. Some bisexuals are happily married and raising children. Some bisexuals are single, some are celibate. You do not need to have ever have had sex to be bisexual. Some bisexuals enjoy casual sex, others don’t' have sex outside committed relationships.
Bisexuality isn't about who you have sex with, or who you're in a relationship with. It's just about you - and the genders you are attracted to.
Some people think that bisexuals are just gay and lesbian people who don't want to come out as gay or lesbian, as if saying you were bisexual would allow you to sidestep the prejudices and discrimination we face. It's not an easier option.
Stonewall's Workplace Equality Index questionnaire in 2009 confirmed this was not true - it found that lesbian and gay employees felt much more comfortable being out at work than bisexual employees. When they were commissioned to research the experience of bi employees by the UK Government, they found that those bi employees (of "Diversity Champions") didn't feel comfortable being out enough to even speak to their researchers. Their surveys showed that 4% of these employers' workforces identified as bisexual but nationwide focus groups netted only 30 people willing to attend.
We disagree with "it's just a phase". A lot! So much so that we've needed to make a separate page just for that, and it's still expanding.
See our "Just a Phase?" page for details.
Bisexuality is not a combination of heterosexuality and homosexuality. We're not half formed or half committed. We're whole.
We are not bi-sexual, we're bisexual!
There's no indecision, no uncertainty, no halves. And what's more, bisexuality isn't a bridge between Gay and Straight.
Sexuality isn't black and white - and the spectrum between gay and straight isn't greys. Think about it this way - rather than black and white, sexuality is red and blue. Purple is not the new red and blue, purple is the new purple. And there's more colours besides that between red and blue, there's orange, yellow and green for starters!
A number of people think that it's terrible that others are more prone to show affection after drinking, and have gone so far as to come up with a snide new word "barsexual" for women who'll flirt with other women when they're drunk. Apparently they're either giving bisexuals a bad name as 'experimenters' or playing into the idea that we're all straight really. They're certainly not "real bisexuals", we're told - but here at the Bisexual Index we disagree! They might be, it's up to them.
We think that attraction is the key to bisexuality, not the relationships, or the sex, or the lifestyle. We're also well aware that some people find it easier to show their attraction after a few pints, but we don't think that alcohol changes sexuality, just lowers inhibitions.
Yes, some people aren't interested in sex, or relationships, with more than one gender - just flirting and kissing. But the amount of attraction isn't relevant for bisexuality - just it's existence.
The same thing goes for straight and gay: if you were attracted to only the opposite sex, but just wanted to kiss, cuddle and flirt with them, then don't you agree you'd still have every right to call yourself 'straight' if you wanted to? We think that the same thing holds true for gay people, and so it must hold true for bisexual folk too, regardless of the amount of attraction they feel towards other genders.
Just as you can be bisexual without having yet slept with more than one gender, so you can be bisexual without wanting to do so either. It's not about the sex. Ultimately it's up to people to label themselves, so we think that "barsexuals" who use the word "bisexual" about themselves have every right to do so, and bisexuals who feel the b-word needs to be protected from fuzzy edges should go and calm down. Sexuality is all about those fuzzy edges!
The early warnings about HIV and AIDS targeted us as a 'high risk group', when the real risk is not about who you are, it's about what you do. Bisexuals have taken this personally and have taken the lead in educating about safer sex.
The blunt truth is this:
It's not who or what you are, it's what you do.
It can be a bit of a surprise when someone you love tells you something that you hadn't realised. It doesn't matter if that 'something' is "I'm adopted!", or "I've won the lottery!" or "I've just lost the car on a game of online poker!". Some news is good news, some news is bad news, and some news it just news.
On hearing their partner is bi, some people wonder if this means they'll be unfaithful, or leave them for someone of a different gender, or if this means they've already been sleeping around during the relationship.
But being bisexual doesn't mean these things - just as being attracted to a range of hair colours, or ages, doesn't mean that either. You're the one they're with, you!
If the prompt that made your partner tell you was a simple desire to be more truthful, that's great. Kind of like telling you they're really adopted just after you met their parents. Try to treat it like that, and not like they lost the car.
It's not the lottery either - rather than think "Are there some good things about having a bisexual partner?" may be you could try wondering "Are there some good things about having a partner who loves me so much they'll be honest to me?"
But if they're telling you the reason they're being unfaithful (for example) is because actually they're bisexual, then feel free to wag a finger at them for us. Being bi doesn't make people unfaithful to their partners. Deciding to be unfaithful does that fine on its own.
The often quoted "Everyone is bisexual really" is not true! When people say this they hardly ever include themselves for starters. It's a phrase people use to dismiss bisexuality - after all, if we were the majority we needn't kick up a fuss.
When people use it they seem to mean "potentially" and talk about how we're born bisexual. This is either not true, or not useful. We're tired of trying to decide which.
It's about as useful as saying "Everyone's mixed-race really" when talking about ethnicity - it's not accurate in any real sense and doesn't provide any useful answers or usable insight when trying to combat racism or privilege.
Some people are attracted to only one gender. Some people are attracted to more than one gender. These two statements are not incompatible, and don't overlap.
When it comes to bisexual visibility, some people say they've never seen, met or heard of any bisexuals. When they're told the person they're talking to is bisexual, they scoff. "Oh, you're bi, sure. You'll grow out of it. Everyone does! No-one's bisexual for life.". We disagree, and hope you'll find plenty of answers on this website to give these sort of people, if you do encounter this.
There are billions of us. Recent surveys suggest as many as 1 in 50 people are actually bisexual.
Bisexuality is real. We exist!
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